Hello lads. I've not been posting here much at all lately, I was a much more active member of the community around 2014 or 2015 or so though, and I still pop in occasionally. I'm quite surprised I was able even to find this place after what happened to fullchan and all that, because I hadn't browsed in months before the place got taken down - at first I didn't care, but then I remembered this place and felt kind of sad.
I wanted to post here because I've pretty much stopped browsing chan boards completely in the last two years, and I've been missing somewhere truly anonymous where I could vent my feelings. Anyways, I have become progressively more numb and cold over the course of the latter half of 2019. I made a very good friend some years back and as we got closer his mental stability also suffered and he ended up offing himself. He was the only person who I had encountered in my life who both understood me and had much in common with me - and without him around and my concomittant problems with depression and all the usual, I just don't see the point in being alive anymore.
I am not like other human beings. I never have been, and I never will be - and furthermore I am not at home even among the misfits and the downtrodden and the outcasts of society. I have completely and comprehensively failed, despite all my efforts, to truly connect to my supposed humanity and I had to watch the only person I was able to connect to die. His parents are going to fly down from their home country to the UK to visit me next year, and after I've fulfilled that obligation I honestly don't know what I'll do. Suicide seems to be the only possible ending in mind for me, I simply cannot fathom ever finding happiness in this life - my circumstance has been unfortunate, and my efforts have yielded no fruit. Probably quite soon, some time in the new year I'm going to do away with all my various online presences, and cut my human contact down to the bare essentials, and keep all of my interactions with people shallow, and never allow myself to be seen.
I'd like to achieve something truly meaningful before I die, but I'm not so sure I have anything in me. My ambitions and relations have all turned sour, and there is nothing much left in this world that appeals to me anymore.
Probably what I would like to now is to find enough money to just hole myself up in some flat in some anonymous city, avoid the internet, and just exist on the periphery of things until I feel fully satisfied that my time has indeed come, and then I will leave the world.
If anything of you actually bothered reading this - thanks for listening lads. I was a very old member of this community back in the day, posted on halfchan /britfeel/ and was the first (other than boardowner) to make the hop over to fullchan when the general went to shit, but yeah, here I am, back again so many years older and none the wiser - faced with the same problems, and howling into the same old gale. Have a nice night lads.